Most Relationship Problems Are Communication Problems
Many people do not fall out with one another because they suddenly stop caring. They fall out because they stop understanding each other.
We say things like, “We just grew apart,” or “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.” Both can be true, but they often hide the real issue. Communication broke down, and neither person knew how to repair it.
The uncomfortable truth is that communication is not simply talking; it is about creating an aligned understanding. This is messy because it encompasses emotion, memory, insecurity, expectation, and assumption.
Two people can use the same words and walk away with entirely different meanings. When that happens often enough, distance replaces intimacy.
If you want better relationships, you do not need perfect words. You need fewer assumptions, more clarity, and a willingness to repair after you misunderstand each other.
Because you will misunderstand each other, and that is not failure. It is being human.
Why Relationships Default to Miscommunication
Communication fails for predictable reasons.
Firstly, we confuse intention with impact.
You can intend to be helpful and still come across as controlling. You can intend to be honest and still sound cruel. You can intend to be calm and still feel dismissive of the other person.
People respond to how something lands, not to what you meant in your head. When intention becomes your defence, the conversation is already lost.
Secondly, we speak from our position and listen from our pain.
You might be talking about logistics, time, or money. Your partner might be hearing a threat to safety, respect, or a sense of belonging. You think you are discussing a task. They believe they are defending their worth. Same words. Entirely different conversation.
Thirdly, we dramatically overestimate how well we are understood.
Psychologists call this the illusion of transparency. We assume our tone, our context, and our inner meaning are obvious. They are not. The other person has to guess. And they guess using their own history, wounds, and expectations.
It is why two intelligent, well-intentioned adults can have the same argument for ten years with only minor variations.
They are no longer arguing about the topic. They are arguing about the meaning behind the topic, usually without realising it.
The Four Horsemen in Everyday Clothing
John Gottman’s research became widely known for a reason.
He identified four interaction patterns that reliably predict relationship breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism attacks character rather than behaviour. “You never think,” or “You’re so selfish.”
Contempt attacks dignity through sarcasm, mockery, or eye-rolling.
Defensiveness avoids responsibility by shifting blame.
Stonewalling withdraws altogether, using silence as a form of punishment or protection.
They show up when people feel unsafe, unheard, overwhelmed, or emotionally cornered. They are less about malice and more about threat response.
The tragic irony is that people use these strategies to protect themselves or the relationship, but they slowly poison it. Criticism is often a disguised request. Defensiveness is often fear. Stonewalling is often overload.
The problem is not the need underneath. It is the delivery that destroys the message.
Why “Talking About It” Often Makes Things Worse
Many couples talk constantly and still feel disconnected.
Some families communicate all the time and never resolve anything. More talking is not the cure when the conversation is built on the wrong structure.
A productive relationship conversation usually needs three things:
A shared definition of the problem
A shared emotional reality
A workable next step
Most arguments collapse because one person wants a solution while the other wants understanding. One person is trying to fix. The other is trying to feel safe.
If you skip emotional reality, solutions feel like dismissal. If you skip next steps, understanding becomes an endless loop. Both people leave frustrated, convinced that the other person “just doesn’t get it.”
Good communication is not about saying everything. It is about sequencing it correctly.
The Skill of Translation
In strong relationships, partners become translators.
They learn to translate complaints into needs. They learn to translate tone into emotion. They learn to translate withdrawal into overload rather than rejection.
Consider a few common examples:
“You’re always on your phone” often means “I don’t feel important right now.”
“You never help around the house” often means “I feel alone and overwhelmed.”
“Do whatever you want” often means “I’ve given up trying to matter.”
If you respond to the literal statement, you end up arguing technicalities. If you respond to the underlying need, the entire argument shifts.
Marshall Rosenberg’s framework of “nonviolent communication” moves communication away from accusation and toward clarity by focusing on observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
Instead of saying “You don’t care,” you say, “When I don’t hear from you for hours, I feel anxious because I need reassurance. Can we agree on a quick check-in?”
That shift does not reduce conflict because it is nicer. It reduces conflict because it is clearer. Clarity lowers threat. Lower threat invites cooperation.
The Silent Killer: Assumptions
Assumptions are one of the most destructive forces in relationships because they feel like facts.
We assume silence means indifference. We assume feedback means rejection. We assume forgetting means disrespect. We assume disagreement means disloyalty.
In reality, silence may mean fatigue. Feedback may mean trust. Forgetting may mean overload. Disagreement may mean honesty.
Chris Argyris described the “ladder of inference” to explain how this happens.
We observe data, select certain details, interpret them, make assumptions, draw conclusions, and then act as if those conclusions are an objective reality.
Relationships break down when two people climb different ladders and then blame each other for being on the wrong roof.
Mature communicators learn to come back down the ladder.
They ask:
“What did you mean by that?”
“What story am I telling myself right now?”
“Is there another explanation I might be missing?”
Those questions sound simple, but they prevent years of unnecessary damage.
Repair Is More Important Than Avoidance
Conflict is not the problem. Unrepaired conflict is. The healthiest relationships are not conflict-free. They are repair-rich.
Gottman refers to this as repair attempts. A repair attempt is anything that interrupts the downward spiral. Humour, a softening of tone, a.pause, an apology, a restart.
Repair requires humility.
It is the ability to say, “I care more about us than about being right.” It shifts the goal from winning to reconnecting.
Make repair normal. Things like:
“We’re spiralling. Can we pause?
“I’m getting defensive. Let me reset.”
“That came out wrong. Here’s what I meant.”
The One Thing That Changes Everything
If you do nothing else, do this. Replace mind-reading with asking.
Most relational pain comes from imagined certainty. We think we know what the other person thinks. We think we know why they did what they did. We think we know what they really meant.
No. You inferred. Ask instead.
And ask in a way that makes honesty safe. That means curiosity without interrogation. Accountability without humiliation. Clarity without contempt.
Healthy communication is not polite at all costs. It is truthful, respectful, and repair-oriented.
Until next time, remember that relationships do not die from one hard conversation. They die from years of avoiding the conversations that could have healed them.
Dion Le Roux
References
Argyris, C. (1990). Overcoming Organisational Defences: Facilitating Organisational Learning. Allyn & Bacon.
Gottman, J.M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
Gottman, J.M. and Levenson, R.W. (1992). ‘Marital processes predictive of later dissolution’. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), pp. 221–233.
Rosenberg, M.B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.